I remember seeing TV commercials for FedEx as a kid — though in the pre-abbreviate-everything era it was still known back then as Federal Express. There was actually quite a variety of spots for them as I recall, but the one that specifically comes to mind here involved a businessman in need of documents for a presentation the next day. He kept reiterating to some imaginary competitive shipping company’s representative, “They have to be here by 10:30AM. They have to be here by 10:30AM No documents; no presentation.” Then they flash to the next day, and a full conference room with a projector on one end. On the wall at the other we see hand shadows of animals and birds being made by the desperate businessman whose documents never arrived. I can still hear the closing line intoning the importance of using FedEx “when it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.”
Mostly, of course, I remember laughing hysterically at the businessman, hearing his “they have to be there by 10:30AM”, and seeing his small hand shadows on that enormous blank wall. Sure, I felt sorry for the poor fellow in the abstract. But, these things didn’t really happen, right? It was just TV. It was only a commercial.
Within the past week, however, so many years after watching the hapless businessman whose probably long since retired (or died of embarrassment), the laughter at his predicament has finally stopped. Ironically, this isn’t because I made the boneheaded move he did of using another carrier; rather, it’s because I made the clearly boneheaded move of using FedEx. Of course, hindsight is always 20/20. And, the journey to that clarity far too often involves seeing massive amounts of red. But let me start at the beginning.
At one point in Gone With the Wind, Rhett says to Scarlett, “Always take advantage of new experiences. They enrich the mind”. Scarlett’s answer: “My mind’s rich enough.” While I by no means advocate ignorance in general, I must confess there are moments when Scarlett’s stubborn resistance does have a certain appeal. Partly because there’s a post office just down the street from where I live (and partly despite the fact their high fees and not always wholly satisfying service make them more the devil you know who’s probably better than the one you don’t), I’ve always used the good old U.S. Postal Service for every one of my (not really all that frequent) shipping needs. The third part of the reason for this, of course, is simply that I’ve never got around to checking out the alternatives. And, were I not faced suddenly with the need to ship a package that exceeded the size requirements for Priority Mail, I doubt I would have done so anytime soon. As Parcel Post would take 4 days, however, and I really wanted it shipped in 2, I did a bit of comparison shopping on the web, finding FedEx offered not only a great deal, it also allowed the whole thing be set up online. And, of course, I made sure it could all be arranged for same-day pickup since although I was shooting for Monday as the fateful day I was fully aware Tuesday was the much greater likelihood for having the whole thing finalized.
I therefore didn’t panic in the least when it was somewhere around 1:45AM Tuesday morning that I finally sat down at the computer to begin the shipping process. Of course, I suppose a warning bell should have gone off when merely setting up the account took about 15 minutes to fill out not more than a dozen or so lines — thanks to a maddening system that won’t process the form until all the information requested is filled out...but which doesn’t direct you in any way as to what portion of it’s missing or wrong. As a result one gets to play a guessing game I’ll admit I wasn’t exactly in the mood for at that — or, okay, any — hour.
Aware this package “absolutely, positively” had to leave my house on this particular day (even though it didn’t “have to be there overnight”, so a job like this for the mighty FedEx ought to be a breeze), I fought through the site’s less than user-friendly tangled web until I was offered the magic words: “Arrange for pickup”. I subsequently clicked on the “today” option for shipping date, made the various other choices for the job at hand — including e-mail verification of delivery just to insure groundless fears didn’t start me unnecessarily practicing my hand shadow skills at the last minute), and was finally met with two shipping labels I could print out for and affix to the packages (in addition to the oversized one mentioned above was a second smaller sidekick that had to come along). It was 2:15AM by this time and I finally went to bed with the peace of knowing everything was under control.
Ah ah ah...not so fast.
Upon getting up for work about 4 and a half hours later the packages were immediately put outside lest the FedEx man started earlier than less time-is-of-the-essence occupations required. Still, it wasn’t a surprise by any means that they hadn’t yet left by the time we did that morning. The fact they were still there that night, however, was a far greater shock.
Immediately I started searching for a phone number — discovering this the cheery, easy to remember 1-800-GO-FEDEX. Needless to say, however, I wasn’t feeling all that cherry at the moment.
When I got a rep on the phone — in itself encouraging after only about 3 rounds of voicemail requesting “main menu” for more choices...you know what I’m talking about if you’ve ever tried to call the phone company, etc. and been ultimately left to wonder if all intelligent life but you had relocated to another planet. Of course, at that point you’re also pondering your own intelligence at trying to talk to a non-responsive non-person for the last 45 minutes. But, I digress…
Back to the story, the representative I finally got was neither all that friendly nor all that helpful. I explained my situation to him, noting I was a new customer, had first set up an account, then arranged for package pickup, blah, blah blah. With infuriating calm he first notes, “The system doesn’t let new customers arrange for pickup; you have to take the packages to a FedEx drop-off point.” Okay, but, um, why then did it offer me the choice “arrange for pickup?”
His response: “I don’t know. But if you want to set up the account for packages to be picked up you’ll have to talk to another representative in a different department.”
My response: “Maybe later. Right now, I have packages that were to be put on one of your trucks today.”
Him: “Well, you couldn’t have sent them today, anyway. Ground service online can only be arranged for the next day.”
Me: “Then why did it create labels with today’s date?”
Him: “I don’t know.”
Me: “Okay, fine, I’ll take it to a drop-off center tomorrow. Just one more question. I see a $10 charge from my debit card, I know the shipping cost is more, so what’s that for?
Him: “That’s the fee for home pickup.”
I ask you, gentle readers...is it me????
Oh, but it gets better. The packages were dropped off the following afternoon (Wednesday) at the appointed FedEx center. And, it was assured they would be delivered in two days. The next day I go to my online FedEx account to check their progress. Somehow I wasn’t surprised when only one package could be accounted for — and it was just the sidekick. The day after that (Friday) I get an e-mail noting this sidekick had been delivered...alone. Needless to say, this spawned a flurry of e-mails, each reaching a different representative who offered a completely out-of-left field non-answer to my inquiry. The best one was “you should check online tracking before contacting customer service” in response to my message that began “after checking online tracking...”. If you read last month’s column you’ll know what I mean when I ask… Does FedEx only hire people who used to work for the New Jersey DMV????
Anyway, long story a wee bit shorter, the next day (i.e. Saturday) I finally got another e-mail confirming the main package had at last, too, been delivered. Of course, given when this whole adventure started Tuesday morning it took 4 days to get there. And, if you recall, that’s the exact amount of time I didn’t want to wait by just using Parcel Post.
Is there a moral to this story? Oh yes. Although it’s taken a lot of years during which I never gave that poor businessman in the old FedEx commercials a thought, I’d really love to be able to write him a letter that says I’m not laughing anymore. Actually, there’s a part of me that would like to track him down and give him a hug. Of course, I wouldn’t want to rely on FedEx tracking to try that...
Be that as it may, I’ve definitely learned my lesson. When you’ve got something important to send and it “absolutely, positively, has to be there” not necessarily overnight but sometime within your aggravation-from-Federal Express-now FedEx-spawned “abbreviated” lifespan, use a carrier pigeon or just take it across the country yourself. Heck, I could have wheeled my packages to their destination 4 states away in a shopping cart about as fast as FedEx got them there.
Oh yeah, you can call me crazy for such a conclusion...but I’ve gotta admit — if “repeating the same behavior expecting different results” constitutes insanity, when it comes to shipping I’ve become quite frighteningly “normal”… and am not about to use FedEx again anytime soon. Hey, I may be crazy — but I ain’t stupid.“I may be crazy, but I ain’t stupid.”
